Where we are today (March 2024)
Balancing being a happy little home hermit who also had a travelling soul
I’ve just celebrated my 51st Birthday and I’ve had cancer now for 2 years and 2 months; where the hurdles and despair have been so tough, so dark at times ….but the highlight reels of family life have also brought me such joy. Each celebration more poignant, more special than ever before. The every day beautiful ordinariness of life is the source of my joy. Honestly. Sounds a bit too much like toxic positivity? It’s not. It’s a balance always with the dark days.
When your life’s breath can get taken away at any point, life in all its guises becomes all the more precious and my perspective on life and what truly matters is like a veil lifting. So many of us facing immortality, tragedy and loss say similar things - I’ll never thank cancer (ever) but I appreciate my news lens that’s for sure.
Where are we now?
I’ve been on my new treatment plan for 9 months now and early this week I had my 3 monthly restaging scan to discover whether there was movement or stability. A painful week of waiting in between the scan and the results day but the tiny little word of ‘stability’ resounded in my ears on Monday afternoon. The cancer is stable. My favourite word in the Oxford Dictionary. STABLE. STABILITY.
This chemo style tablet I take doesn’t have a long lifetime efficacy so I am really trying to look after myself to keep my mind and body as strong as I can. Cold plunges every morning have been a slightly odd ‘pleasure’ as the feeling when you get out is just unreal. So life affirming! Some good old ‘Wim Hoff’ breathing techniques are a daily must do. Yoga, stretching, meditating, praying, eating organically, getting outdoors every day, swimming are all part of my daily life. My new aim - to put some muscle back into my skinny chicken legs. One of the side affects is weight loss - so we are on a ‘mission to get chubby’ as Michael puts it. 🤓
It takes a lot to keep myself alive to put it frankly. My body fails at times with the side effects and the day can often feel doomed before it’s begun. It takes a lot of effort to refuse to let it get me down whilst also acknowledging there are some days which are rest days or ‘meh days’ where goals are merely: slippers, book, snuggle, stroke the dog on the sofa all day and try to eat something.
So longish term, I stay on this drug for as long as possible, and short term I get 2 of my daughters through A levels and GCSEs 😬 ….and we keep on doing the best we can as a family.
My next stop would be a clinical trial which my oncologist has said due to my good health (🤣), young age (🤣) , and fitness, plus …..and this is the one I love the most…. ‘my positive mind set’ means I’d be a candidate. So …. More Hope on the horizon.
In the meantime I pray for my girls as they navigate this as they are my everything and my heart breaks for them and I am often brought to tears by their bravery, love, and general wonderfulness. And I stand with Michael, who lives this life neither of us chose or imagined alongside me so steadfastly, and who I couldn’t be doing this without.
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